Relationships: Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them
Unless we live alone on a desert island, relationships are some of the most important elements of our lives. According to the Mental Health Foundation, those of us who are well connected socially to family, friends or our community are healthier — both physically and mentally; happier, and tend to live longer than people who are less connected.
This is the topic of our latest episode of Deal With It, brought to you by Corsodyl Toothpaste, who are on a mission to get us talking about the uncomfortable issues we choose to ignore — whether that’s bleeding gums or bleeding relationships!
Relationships of all kinds are often central to our happiness and sense of wellbeing. That’s not to say that they are effortless (and the coronavirus pandemic lockdown has tested many of them to the limit) or free from conflict. As we’ll see, effective communication and keeping ourselves grounded in the real world can help us understand others and thrive in our relationships.
Host Ellie Taylor got insights from Oliver Burkeman, bestselling author and psychology columnist into some of the trickier 21-century relationship issues.
Dating in the digital age
Bumble, Tinder, Grindr, Hinge… the potential for finding friends, fun or perhaps your soulmate is sitting right there in your phone. But there are many pitfalls: the number of ‘fish in the sea’ can feel overwhelming; social etiquette gets lost online; contacts can be obnoxious. The chemistry of meeting someone in person is lost online: “It’s not always great to make connections on the basis of how someone chose to present themselves,” says Oliver. Self-esteem can take a hit with constant disappointment or rejection, and it’s important to remember that dating apps are designed for failure so people go back and try again. Better to keep a social balance of friends and family connections, with dating apps just one of several avenues to meet people.
Broaching personal grooming and hygiene
You’ve found that special person and things seem to be going well with your relationship. However, there are some aspects of them that are starting to grate on you. Perhaps you cringe when they tuck their shirt into tightly belted trousers, or insist on wearing comfy old trainers on date nights out. They let their nails grow too long and perhaps don’t floss their teeth, leaving something to be desired in the minty freshness department. What can you do? You don’t want to descend into a relationship of daily criticism, nagging and fights. The best advice is to focus on those issues that affect you personally: nails are scratchy but a tucked shirt cannot harm you. Bad breath because of poor oral hygiene affects you and everyone around and may be a sign of gum disease; gentle communication to brush teeth regularly (ideally with gum-loving Corsodyl toothpaste) does everyone a favour.
When it gets complicated: make up or break up?
When a relationship feels stale, under strain, or you have that uneasy feeling it might not be working, how do you make the decision that ending it is for the best? The benchmark for evaluating a relationship used to be how ‘happy’ it made you, but as Oliver points out, “you can’t just navigate through life on happiness because that might end up not making you very happy”. Rather ask, “is the relationship growing me as a person, or shrivelling me up from the inside?” Nine times out of ten, we instinctively know the answer and what we have to do.
When you make the choice to break up, Oliver advises taking a mature approach, and no contact for the first months: “Make the break really clear and make sure the people you’re reaching out to for support are your friends and not the person you’re separating from.”
This story is written based on AnyTechBD
